Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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