God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
