I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
