How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
