I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
