Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
