Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
