I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
