I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
the liver wants what the liver wants
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
