Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
