cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
