I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I stole a fireplace last night.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i think i just lost a toe
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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