Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
