Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
