She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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