As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
