i would punch a child for taco bell
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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