In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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