Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
