my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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