it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
