What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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