remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
