nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
