I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
