just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
