You just made me feel so damn special
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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