the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
