guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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