just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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