I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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