Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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