You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
