There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
