My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
