So drunk its hurt
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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