Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
