**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
