She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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