look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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