I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
As shirtless as possible
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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