i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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