I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
