dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
