I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
