any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
