I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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