I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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