Apparently you make a good broom.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
