i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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