If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
