Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
