This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
