I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
