Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
