Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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