i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
