is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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