Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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